up2in2

You may recognize this illustration as that of a cow. Bossie (not her real name) provided this image for free in the hopes that people would pay good money for an actual picture, video, or one-on-one interview... in fact, she does private parties by special arrangement. Of course, I'm a God Fearing Member of the Grand Old Party and I categorically oppose Bossie or any other living thing from prostituting itself to make ends meet. I think that we should all send whatever we can afford to:

Bossie Cow Cow
c/o Save Bossie From a Life of Shame
General Delivery
Western Nevada County, CA 95949


This is a picture of a human heart... it has come to my attention that contemporary human technology has made it feasible to replace defective valves in the human heart with bovine tissue valves. I'm pretty sure that Bossie and the rest of her species are unable to survive the necessary trauma involved in such a procedure. Suffice it to say that it would behoove Bossie and other domestic bovines to contact PETA and moo their case against bovine heart valve harvesting.

I think that there is an effective campaign just waiting to be waged here. It's a 'one-two' punch "No Heart Valves, No Hamburgers" platform. Get involved folks... one billion Indians can't be wrong!

Moving on...

When I was a member of the UC Davis Men's Rowing Team we initiated an annual fundraiser for the program called Bovine Bingo. To play Bovine Bingo one would buy one or more of 10,000 "bingo" cards where each card represented a 1' by 1' square in a 100' x 100' area of the UCD Quad. Once all the bingo cards had been sold, Bossie Cow Cow (not a psuedonym in this case) would 'pick' a square by a process known as Random Bovine Defecation (RBD). RBD was developed by two UCD Undergraduates, Heather Tiernan and Duncan Moyer.

Except for it's licensed use by the Men's Crew once each fall, this proprietary algorithm has been kept secret by powerful communist elements of the administration for fear that the silent (and moral) majority of Americans would apply it to gerrymandering effort s in key battleground states. This is just the tip of the iceberg people! One minute those lefties are merely smarter and more mature than us... the next thing you know, Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House - taking crystal and having gay sex with underage male members of the Congressional staff. God Bless America: land of the fruits, home of the nuts.

But I digress... Bovine Bingo was a huge 'shot-in-the-arm' for the Men's Crew - just look at these guys!


To be continued...

U5M